Poetry

Poetry



-=Holy=-

I eat only sleep and air and everyone thinks i'm dumb but i'm smart because i've figured it out. I am slimmer than you are and i am burning my skin off little by little until i reach bone and self until i get to where i am essential until i get to where i am. Food doesn't tempt me anymore because i am living off parts of me that i don't need anymore. i could feel the slow drips of pain before, swirling inside where my lungs should have been. Now i'm clean inside. I threw out hundreds of things i didn't need anymore. all my dresses and and stupid things like jeans and socks. Most days i just float around the house naked so i can see myself in the mirrors. i have hundreds of them everywhere and they talk to me all the time. they keep me true and pure. when i knew what i had to do i took all my note books and ate them page by page so i could take my words with me. i can finally control my life and death and i will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe. this is my greatest preformance and all the actors who won my parts will say "how wonderful to let your self go and not care if you come back to tell the story". i scratch words on the walls now so people will visit this museum and know how someone like me ends up like this(they'll say there is art in here somewhere). everything that comes out of me is sacred every tear, every cough, every piss. everything that comes off me is sacred every finger nail, every eye lash, every hair. starvation is sacred and i scratch my bones against the windows at night. i light candles and feel myself evaporate. this body is a little church, a little temple. you can't see me now because i've gone inside. you can't hurt me anymore. my freinds don't call me anymore. you can't hury me anymore. they can't hurt me anymore. only i can. and thats okay. i dance with me. i eat me. when they find me, i'll have a little smile on my face and they'll wrap me up in a white cloth and lay me in the ground and say that they don't understand. but i do. i don't hurt anymore. i made it through. i feel so holy when i strech out on the floor and sing. sometimes god comes in for a minute and says i'm doing fine, i'm almost there. every day i get a little closer to vanishing. some days i can't stand up because the room moves under my feet and i smile because i am almost there, i'm almost an angel. one day when i am thin enough i'll go out side fluttering my hands so i can fly and i will be so slight that i will pass through all of you like the wind.




******

The Ambitions Are-you don't trade money here you trade information and skin. right now there are thousands of forgotten people trying to remeber you. children are killed because they write an enemy's name backwards on a wall. young girls tie ribbons around their slender throats trying to keep their heads on. chocolate boy walks to ice cream truck and is shot dead three times. this city kills its young. the angels all have guns now. the angels aren't anyone you would want to pray to. no one here has goals like get a job, get married, have kids the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. no desire to get rich, become famous, move out the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. every woman that walks by is every woman that you'll never have beautiful, quick and poisonous as mercury. this city is full of woman slim and busy hopeing there is room in some mans life for them. women sort trough the dead bodys like bags of laundry with exausted mama eye sigh because they are to dry for tears. people huddle in kitchens clasp their hands celebrating something has tried to kill them and failed. nightclub men twitch to subdued to recognize apocolypse. the abitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. you have driven these streets a thousand times and all they offer is their exaustion your nightmares have your name now you exit the glitter storm, go home alone and embrace the violece instead this city has claimed all your blood and memory this is cool and unusual punishment. you go for years with out touching another never thin of the why. you are so casual about brutality doctor says "take this it'll settle you down" doctor says "take this it'll settle your system" doctor says take this we'll settle the bill" doctor says "take this it'll settle the score". the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. there is a voice on the loud speaker and she speaks your language doesn't need to say, can leave the room when your wife walks in (here comes the interogation room scene todays the day your going to get caught). your terrified of what you crave don't get delighted they want you scared. the sweet things don't stick around but the bull shit lasts forever. please press pound. your duel chanelling for new freinds or just new things to envy. who's running the machine you run on? wish you had someone to speak code with wish you had someone to steal things for. wish you had someone to fuck so you would finally go to sleep. you just want to die a little bit. ink and paint is making you faint in your pale pale shirts, stolen from uptown stores. watch the girls in the twin sweater sets smoke, cough, throw up. teeth-scraped knuckles are a tell tale sign. get in the car get in the car and what you hear is the sound of the impact. turn slowly and check your body for bruises. there is no one to take care of you. open-mouthed, waiting for a candy kiss and all you get is rain communion. between lap dances and laptops you seek girls that fuck like they are boneless. your 38 and your job is telling 14 year olds what to think is cool. are you laughing? they are. and this one is a fire and this one is a flame and this one is a spark and that one is a match you put in your mouth when you thought that no one was looking. and your dreams your grandparents live forever. and you throw your love into the air like glitter swallowing stars, spitting up stardust. the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. mothers wring their hands and say "i'm so at a loss." best freind says "i have come not to praise you but to destroy you with my bare fucking hands." the girl on the television says:" you all work for me now." boss says "c'mere, let me hit you just once." man on the street says " i can make and woman kill herself in a year." so you drive your dead body home at night and when you sleep the angels' kisses are mercury. mercury breaking love into lust grinding pearls into dust. the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing. the ambitions are wake up breathe keep breathing.


As dream travels faster than thought, as thought travels faster than feeling, my self is revealed, restored, remembered...and she is lost.

If you love me show your scars.
If I care they will be ours.
If I grow I once was small.
If I can fly then I can fall.

<=( Curses )=>

This is noise, this is curse, this is red, this is pale, this is ache, this is last, this is slow, this is shock, this is thrown, this is fire, this is break, this is snow, this is witch, this is spell, this is cut, this is final, this is fine, this is moon, this is tide, this is hell, this is hers, this is theirs, this is mine. Feels like storms, feels like thunder, feels like storms, feels like i'm going under. Here comes the slow going, here comes the pain I fade out like a ghost, and run out like the rain. All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed. All you know of heroines is what you read. Burn.Bleed. There is a red, red howling, down my dark hall. I was everything you wanted, now I'm nothing at all. Nail my knees together, this time it's not about you. You have no power here, you don't know what I need I'm giving in. I'll get there in a box turn away, now let your legends bleed. There is a red, red howling, down my dark hall I was everything you wanted now I'm nothing at all. I'm half alive, barely worth keeping. I rule the bed, soon I'll wake up sleeping. Feels like storms, feels like thunder like storms, feels like I'm going under. Here comes the slow going, here comes the pain. I fade out like a ghost, and run out like the rain. This times it's different, this time it's close this time it's between the spine and the skin. All you know of heroines is what you read sometimes we burn sometimes we bleed. All you know of heroines is what you read. Burn. Bleed...

-=(_.���)_.���(You Are)�`�._(�`�._)=-

In four minutes you will be gone and i must tell you why. When a star crashes, the angels are electrified. Your life changes in ways you can't imagine. When your dreams are perfect, they run like machines and leave you dizzy. When you first discover you're dying, everyone seems to be saying goodbye. When your dreams are perfect they run like machines. You must change your life. You are never ready. You must change your life. You are never ready. There are people you have to leave behind, they just dirty up your mouth they don't value you treasure. You fall down, you kiss up, you love them, it's not enought. They're nothing special and your such a gift. If you had no magic here you'd be just like everyone else. Imagine the tragedy. You must change your life. You are never ready. You must change your life. You are never ready. Love is like crying like writing like dying you've got to do it alone. I know it's tragic to be tender I know it's dangerous to be kind I know it's vicious to care. Listen to me, I know whats going to happen to you. You don't need a window, you need a fire escape, you'll need a skylight to get where your going. I can tell you where. And you dream that you are hollow and you dream that you are whole reconstruct what you remeber and it comes out in pieces. You must change your life. You are never ready. Those below you can't hold you up to everyone is gone gone gone everyone is gone gone gone. Learn to swim alone learn to fly. You must change your life. You are never ready. You must change your life. You are never ready. Cast them off like long rope and learn to know that this is your sky now. Lift your arms and go step forward in Nureyev leap blink fast and whirr over streets hover over trees speed past taxis don't even bother to wave at children who watch you awstruck brushing past skyscrapers and looking up up slip off the long skirt that slows you down don't even look back to watch it billow to the earth tell the cool jets and Superman that your passing them feel your hair stream back wind blinding you forcing you dry mouth open no one can touch you now get out of this fucking world as fast as you can...


Kill it all away...

i couldn't believe how easy it was
i put the gun to my face
BANG!
(so much blood for such a tiny hole)
problems do have solutions you know
a life time of fvcking things up fixed in one determined flash
everything's blue
in this world
the deepest shade of mushroom blue
all fuzzy
spilling out of my head

The Great Awakening

Gingerly I would finger my pungent sea roses
	And crush the scarlet heads against my fleshy breast.
Lustfully teh brown thorns would tuck and pull
	And push my full purple-stained mouth.

Hard I bite the acrid roses- who bleed limp to my passionate fangs
	And sucked the bitter blood of ecstasy.
Electrically the orgasmic interplay between buds and lips awoke me
	And I remembered the juice of pomegranates wetting my mouth.
Helen 5/17/99

I

if i am hardened no fear of further abandonment
if i am famous maybe i will feel good in this skin
if i am cultured maybe my words will garner respect
if i am masculine i will be taken more seriously
if i take a break it would make me irresponsible
if i am elusive i will surely be sought after often
if i need assistance i must be incapable
if i accumulate knowledge i will be impenetrable
if i am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve
if i keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked
if i am vulnerable i will be trampled upon